An enmeshed family

The term 'Enmeshed family' has been used in our Forum.  Not understanding this, I turned to Josephine Ferraro for an explanation.

What is an "Enmeshed" Family?
Salvador Minuchen introduced the concept of "enmeshed" families in his family systems theory in the mid-1970s. An enmeshed family allows individual members little to no autonomy or personal boundaries. The roles among family members can be very rigid. One person might be "the scapegoat," another person might be "the hero" and so on. These roles are not explicitly assigned. It's usually an unconscious process and much more subtle than that. The point is that individuals in this type of family often grow up not knowing how they really feel or what they want to do in their lives because they are encouraged to feel whatever the rest of the family feels (usually initiated by one or both of the parents) and strongly discouraged from developing their own feelings and preferences.

What are the Consequences of Growing Up in an Enmeshed Family?
There is often a strong sense of shame in enmeshed families. The family might designate a particular family member to contain these feelings of shame by making that member "the scapegoat" of the family. When families scapegoat a particular family member, rather than looking at the dysfunctional family dynamic, they point to this family member and say that he or she is the cause of the family's problems. Often, the scapegoated person is the one who strives to be an individual, which is threatening to the rest of the family. He or she is often the healthiest one in the family, but other family members don't see it this way. In their eyes, if only this family member would shape up and think and behave the way that the rest of the family does, everything would be all right. Needless to say, this person carries the family shame and often grows up to feel ashamed of him or herself and defective in some way. The other rigid roles that are assigned in this type of family also cause the individual members to feel ashamed as well.

Enmeshment leads to shame and shame often leads to depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, and other addictive behaviors as well as family violence.

How to Overcome the Effects of Enmeshment as an Adult
Often, enmeshed families do not seek mental health treatment unless they're forced to do it after serious problems have developed. So, for instance, if one of the children begins to have problems in school and the local Bureau of Child Welfare investigates and finds abuse or neglect, the family is often encouraged (and sometimes mandated) to attend family therapy. However, many times the family problems are overlooked because no one outside the family knows what's going on. So, the individual children grow up with a strong sense of shame and problems in their own intimate relationships, assuming that they are able to have intimate relationships.

For adults who grew up in enmeshed families, the idea of getting help for themselves might feel like they're being "disloyal to the family." They've grown up with such a strong sense that they must go along with the family dynamic that it's hard for them to think for themselves--let alone think or do something different from the rest of the family. If they are able to begin individual psychotherapy, they often feel highly ambivalent about the treatment and often drop out before completing the work.

Here are some Books about enmeshed families if you wish to gain further insight.

The Swedish Model

Writing in the Forum, Jorgen tells of his work with School Refusers in Sweden. He is the manager of a small operation specialized in getting students back to school, and has been running this small municipal group in a county just outside Stockholm since 2009.

He has managed to work out a model that works and brings this group of kids back to a life with education and a much more brighter future than they had before they joined the group. 

Jorgen writes: 'We are mainly working with kids in the age 13-15 which have been away from school for 1-6 years. When the home school feels that they have done everything in their power and when there is nothing more to try we are contacted by the principal and starts to work together. 

'We have a small group for education where we work with at the most eight students at the same time and where our plan is that the student shall go back to their home school as soon as possible. It usually takes ½-1 year before they have an opportunity to go back and meanwhile we work with both the standard subjects as in regular school but a big part lies in working with self confidence, well being and self awarness.'

Jorgen is now looking for similar similar groups outside Sweden for exchange of knowlege regarding school refusers.

You can contact him through the Forum.

MyDaughter.com offers advice

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How can I help my daughter believe in herself?

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Emotionally Based School Refusal - Somerset Council Guide

Emotionally Based School Refusal (EBSR) is a term ascribed to the group of young people who do not attend school for reasons of fear, anxiety and misery (West Sussex EPS, 2004).

North Somerset Council has produced a pack which includes a list of risk factors that may indicate a child is developing EBSR.  This list is based on research and practitioners’ experience.  There can be no definitive list that will give a measurable outcome as EBSR is so complex.  However, this is a list that can be used as an indicator.  We suggest it could be used at times of transition (eg Years 6 to 7, 9 to 10) when a child is having unexplained or regular time off school or when a child is causing concern within school.  It should be used as an aid to identify specific areas of concern that may lead to a child being increasingly absent from school.  This list can also be used for sharing information within and between schools and other agencies where appropriate consent has been gained.

Also included in this pack are some leaflets that summarise this information.

It can be downloaded here: http://www.n-somerset.gov.uk/NR/rdonlyres/849E02A0-70B7-4704-8191-AA48E85E71C5/0/Everychildmatters_Emotionallybasedschoolrefusalguidance.pdf

BBC documentary

The BBC is looking into making a documentary about young people who are experiencing school phobia/school refusal.

They are interested in how we could develop this and would really like to speak to - confidentially at first - any parents with children from the ages of 16 and up who are going through this. 

If this sounds like you and you have something to say about how you feel it's affected you and your family, the support you've received, and what it's like then please do get in touch for a confidential chat. 

Please feel free to email Datshi datshiane.navanayagam@bbc.co.uk if you would like to get in touch. 

School refusal Vs Truancy

School refusal differs from truancy in that children with school refusal feel anxiety or fear towards school, whereas truant children generally have no feelings of fear towards school, often feeling angry or bored with it instead. The Children's Hospital Boston has this chart to define the differences between truancy and school refusal

Do we agree?